My little boy...


Ok, so this was Halloween, but we did have to have the "no you cannot wear "guy-liner" to school discussion". I'm thinking the nuns might object to 5th graders wearing black eyeliner, especially if the boys are beating the girls to it...

Amy: When I imagined bonding with my son, I really didn't think it involved low lights and black nail polish.

Jack: (Sitting across from me with foils in his hair and wet black fingernails) Mom, this is so awesome! Criss Angel is my new hero. He is Goth, with attitude.

Amy: Does your dad go for this? I just can't imagine he does...

Jack: No, he just uses all of the neighbor's nail polish remover.

Amy: On some sick level, I love that...

French

Jack: Since I am taking French, I think we need to kiss like the French do...

Amy: Um, no, really, I don't think we do...that's gross and wrong on so many levels.

Jack: Why is kissing on both cheeks gross?

Amy: Oh...um...I didn't realize that's what you meant...sure, that sounds great, we'll start doing that.

Jack: What did you think I meant?

Amy: Um, never mind.

Our Trip to Yosemite...

One Recreational Vehicle
Two Kids
One Wii
One Nintendo DS
Two laptops
One Class of Homework: Intermediate Accounting
5000 miles
10 days
No Deaths

Don't we almost look happy?

Ross was not suffering from boredom much...he was a trooper.

The Redwood Forest and a REALLY big tree.

I'm not sure why he chose to play UNDER the table...

Almost looks like Banff, doesn't it?

Todd drove all 5000 miles, bless his heart.
There is NO WAY I was going to drive that thing. EEK!

Overheard conversations over email at my house...

Todd

Please, Please, Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee can we get one. http://minneapolis...

Jul 6 (1 day ago)

ToddLoading...

Jul 6 (1 day ago)

Todd to me

Reply

Please, Please, Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee can we get one.

Ad from Craigslist:

amy swenson to Todd

Reply

hell no

Todd to me

Reply

I don't care what you say I'm getting at least 1. Where should we put her? I'm thinking on the wall by our wedding picture.

Email Todd sent:

From: Todd
Subject: Tanned Grey Squirrel Hide - $24 (Bemidji, MN)

Hi

Do you have more than 1?

Thanks
Todd

Reply:

I just checked with my boyfriend who is the one that tans then, we have 10 hides and more to be done! We also have a tanned rabbit fur (it only has 1 ear though) How many were you thinking about purchasing?
Amanda

Todd to me

Reply

I really want the 1 eared bunny! Please? Please I'll be good!!!

amy swenson to Todd

Reply

You can sleep with it on your side of the bed, but I won't blame Ginger when she eats it.

Todd to me

Reply

I now know what I'm getting everyone for Christmas.

Overheard Conversations at my House...

Amy: "Where did I go wrong? I thought I was being a good parent."

Jack: "I'm sorry."

Amy: "I was prepared for Guitar Hero...Aerosmith...Sid Vicious...but, this, Jack, How do you expect me to react?"

Jack: "Mom, every child has their hero."

Amy: "How can I face our family? This tears me up inside. You broke my heart."

Jack: "I love you, Mom, but I can't help it."

Amy: "Isn't there some heroine addicted musician you would rather worship? What about Jimi Hendrix? You could worship him?"

Jack: "But I don't like Jimi Hendrix..."

Amy: "I feel as though I've died a little today..."

Jack: "I'm sorry, Mom, but I just love Pikachu."



Amy: "Please, just kill me now."

Ok, I know I suck.

I can't keep regular updates because I am so busy with school and life and all that other crap that goes along with being human.

So, today, I am standing in my kitchen trying to prioritize my de-mental list and I hear this blood curdling scream coming from outside. I first make sure all of my boys are inside (ok, I was thinking one of them was the cause of said blood curdling scream) and I look out the window to see some random pre-teen screaming bloody murder because she fell off of her scooter outside our house.

Her poor older brother was standing over her not knowing what in God's name he was supposed to do...she had a big scrape on her knee. I brought her inside cleaned it off gave her a big-ass band aid and another for the road and by that time, her parents had caught up with them.

I hope they realized I am not some creepy molester and was just trying to band-aid the screaming child. "Dad" looked me over like he was analyzing my child molesting characteristics. Duh, I put anti-biotic ointment and these really kick ass knee-elbow bandages on your kid. I'm a mom, therefore I take care of those in need.

Where was the rest of my family? Hiding. Todd and Jack come from hiding and Todd asks, "What the hell was that??" So, I tell him the story and he says, "When children stumble into the house, you push them downstairs and we sell them into slavery."

Blink, blink...blink...

Um, yeah, I think I'll stick to sending them home with band-aids, you sicko.

Amy's Afternoon Off:

12:30 - Go racing from work to dentist.

1-2pm - Have chipped tooth fixed and a wisdom tooth pulled that was migrating backwards and really irritating me because everything was getting stuck between it and the other back tooth and even though I brushed my teeth like a crazy woman at 12:28, I still had green stuff in there when Dr. Kratz pulled it out. Did I mention it broke and he had to dig out the pieces? Ick.

2-3pm - Had prescription for Tylenol with Codiene filled (Ooo, I should take more right now!!) and visited my friend Dolly Jo at the bank. She's the best, I love her.

3:15-4:25 - Ran around Lake Calhoun and Lake Harriet (about 8 miles) with gauze still in my mouth. I thought I might bleed to death if I didn't clamp down on it, but my mouth was sure dry after about 6 miles...

Sometime after that I made dinner, did homework, made a couple phone calls, and watched 2 episodes of House with Todd while I did yoga. I think they secretly watch our home to get the script for that show. Only...Todd is more random.

Then, I fell over.

And I wonder why I think I need a vacation from life?!

Jack: (To the tune of Iron Man and singing LOUDLY with a British accent...)

"I am Ice Cream Man! 27 flavors in my van!

When I ring my bell,

all the little fat kids run like hell."




Amy: "Um...what do I even say to that? That's funny right there, I don't care who you are...oh wait...Jack, watch your language!"

Here is tomorrow's forecast:

Friday: a chance of showers and isolated thunderstorms in the morning, then showers and isolated thunderstorms in the afternoon. Some thunderstorms may produce heavy rainfall. Highs around 55. Northeast winds 10 to 20 mph.

Ok, 10-20mph isn't that bad, 35 was bad. I can still run outside if manages to stop for 30 minutes...

Friday Night: colder, breezy. Cloudy with rain likely. Lows 35 to 40. North winds 15 to 25 mph. Chance of rain 70 percent.

Maybe there will be a break in the rain and I can run outside. I hate running on the treadmill...it's so hot and yucky...maybe rain isn't so bad...


I think my standards for running outside have hit an all time low...

Jack and Luke being goofy at school...yes, Goth child got a haircut...his choice!

I think I have officially become one of those crazy running people. Not that I wasn't already crazy, but here was yesterdays forecast:

Mostly cloudy with a 70 percent chance of snow showers in the morning (duh, we had snow on the ground when I woke up), then partly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of rain or snow showers in the afternoon. Highs around 35. North winds gusting up to 25 to 35 mph.

I actually went running. Outside. It was like running straight into a really cold barn fan.

Did I mention my whole body hurt when I got home?

Totally nuts.

I was trying to explain hair bands of the 80's to Jack and it went something like this...

Amy: "Oooo, I found 'Kickstart my Heart'. I think that's going to be a great song to run to...Motley Crue ROCKS!"

Jack: "Motley who?"

Amy: "Crue, Jack. You have already seen the Rolling Stone Live movie and you play Guitar Hero faithfully and you don't know who Motley Crue is?"

Jack: (he just stares and blinks at me...)

Amy: "Tommy Lee? Pamela Anderson? Ring any bells?"

Jack: (he just stares and blinks at me...)

Amy: "I am so lacking in parental guidance. Sit down and YouTube and I will explain the history of Motley Crue."

Jack: "Ok, as soon as Kim Possible is over..."

Amy: "You play such the bad boy and yet Saturday morning cartoons still drag you out of bed early. You'll always be my little boy. Sniff."

Jack: "Oh Pleeeeze."

Jack: Mom, I want to be Goth.

Mom: Um...what do you mean, "Goth"? Do you want to be punk?

Jack: Can I have a mohawk?

Mom: Hell, no.

Jack: I want to dress like Kiss.

Mom: "Kiss" aren't Goth, they are showmen.

Jack: Well, I want to dress like Kiss.

Mom: Over my dead body.

Jack: Um...

Mom: Don't get any ideas. How about we do a little shopping on Saturday? We'll go to Ragstock, Tatters, and hang and be Uptown Rats. Maybe we'll see a punk rocker.

Jack: COOL!!! You are the best mom in the whole world.

Mom: No, just pretty dumb.

Here is the results of our shopping trip:


Note the play on words for Hairy Pawter. It's a "Bad Dog" (or something like that) shirt.
I did casually mention he may want to spring the jewelry on donor dad one item at a time.

My baby's first leather. It brings tears to my eyes...sniff.

And his first pair of Dickies, his first work shirt, first pair of Chuck Taylors (ok, Mom got a pair, too!) his first brunch at the Uptown Bar (we both took home glasses, our stock was getting low) and now I've been told I need to get him a black hoodie so he can wear his leather all winter.
The things we have to learn...and we can learn together.
Precious parental moments.

And to think, just two weeks ago he was egg hunting for fuzzy bunnies.
They grow up so fast!

PS. We didn't even see one punk. I think punk is dead.

Learning Opportunities...

Amy tries to explain to Jack what a redneck is...

J- "Wow, those are scary, they are like building blocks stacked on top of
each other"

A- "Those are mobile (pronounced moe-bial) homes...a redneck mansion."

J- "What's a redneck?"

A- "A backwater, po-duck, hillbilly, my sister's husband's brother is
also my mother's sister's son."

J- "Ohhhhh, creepy."

A- "I wonder if Minneapolis would let us do that here....
I do want an addition...
but I'm thinking it might be violating a building code or four..."

J- "Can I have the top one?"

Squeeze Cheese and small boy...


I just don't have words that will do this justice...

Ok, so I know this shot sucks, but I was walking through the skyway, so use your imagination and follow along...

World of Poker black leather bomber, $425 (comes with matching chip set on Austins Craigslist!!)

Cheap cologne wafting up my nostrils $6.99 (found at Walgreens!!)

Dyed black, slicked back, mini mustache wearing machismo man bringing me giggles as I walk to work at 7:25am....priceless.

Downtown can be so much fun!

Ok, so me crying twice in a year is a big thing, but twice in a month?

I was in the process of making crab cakes and I cut off my left index finger's nail (over 50%) with a chef's knife.

Oh. My. God. The blood.

I've never done that before, so I tearfully call Dave who says he's done it a t least a dozen times...it's going to hurt like an effing c*nt in heat and will take 6 weeks to heal.

Wow, and to think it's only Wednesday. I wonder if I can do more damage to myself by the weekend.

I've also discovered how much it sucks to type with a gigantic bandage wrapped around one's index finger.

Does anyone happen to have a box of finger bandages they can run over right now?

I went shopping last night...I needed retail therapy after Todd took all of my whites, lights, and delicates and washed them in HOT water, then threw them all in the dryer. I lost all of my favorite sweaters and I cried. Some very small person at the thrift store will be happy, though.
It was not the best time to shop, since I am in my uber fat stage. I had gall bladder stones, was terrified to go to the doctor since I didn't want them to take it out, so I did the homeopathic "flush" and got a bunch of them out. I've gained 12 pounds since August, and I'm hoping to lose it now that I can actually process food again. I never realized what a blessing it is not needing to live of off saline laxatives until just recently. TMI, I know, but, well, duh.

I took Jack to Red Nails this morning for a pedicure and manicure.

Why, Amy, why??

Because I wanted to go...my hands and feet have been NASTY for months and with all the meetings I have at work, I was feeling really bad for the people who had to look at my gross cuticles when I point to figures. I can't do a decent job on my nails myself and I got reprimanded by the nail tech for pushing my cuticles back too much.

Why did I bring Jack? Because he has my nasty nails. He went plain this time, but NEXT time, he's going to alternate neon orange and red on his toes and get blue fingernails.

I'm procrastinating doing my homework so I better get back to it....

Sigh...

The boy and his dog...

Normally, you can't see her because her favorite spot is by your feet, so I had to take a picture because they are just too cute...that, and Jack will have a cow when he sees this...he he he

Christmas at the Swensons...

I'm not even going to tell you how long it took me to sew these slippers.
Ok, so they aren't just like when she was 5, but I hope she wears them.

Guitar Hero ROCKS!!

Todd, playing along with Guitar Hero...who needs Rock Star??

Todd says he's never leaving home and is going to live in our basement forever.
I said at least he would have someone to keep him company in the batcave.

Jack and I went to Edgewater again this year... he's still mastering the kiddie pool. I think it's getting harder as he gets older because he really doesn't fit on the pads anymore.

So from our family to you, Happy New Year!