Girls Night Out...
Now, where in these two faces does it say,
"Please walk up to me and use the LAMEST pick up line ever":

"So ladies, have you met any assholes yet tonight? My name is Eric, what's yours?"

"Taken." I replied.
Here is Shannon, Kellie, Jessica, and April. April is pregnant, so she wasn't drinking nor going out with us. She came for dinner. It was a celebration of several of these lovely girls turning 30.

Yah...shut up...I still remember my 30th birthday...I was getting divorced and living with my daddy. OH, and also a celebration of Kellie's new boobies. I am so jealous, aren't they pretty? I want a pair, too!
Yes, dancing and fun was had by all. I was a good girl and stayed sober to drive my self home at a semi-decent hour, and they went out and whooped it up for a few more hours. When I left, there was only one girl that was really hammered, and I, respectfully, did not document that here. I kind of knew when she pronouced her love for me when leaving one of the bars. It was cute...that's the great thing about going out with the girl friends, they take good care of you when you are in need of some blocking by creepy drunk men looking to take advantage. Shannon is the best, hands down, she just tells them to get lost!

I was also kept occupied by a friend of mine who was drunk texting me from a wild wedding reception...the best part was when they closed down a bar by buying not one, but TWO rounds of shots for everyone. Apparently, it was an expensive night. When I responded to the last text message the next morning (since it came long after I was asleep) asking how the hang over was...all I got was..."Like Death".

Living vicariously through others...gotta love it!

Friday Later...

Todd: So you got a call from Goldilocks?

Amy: Yes, it surprised me...totally wasn't expecting it to be her on the other end of the line.

Todd: I think you should tell her at least $50 for the screens and the light she ripped out.

Amy: Allegedly ripped out. And maybe we should ask for something else, like she could work off the debt.

Todd: Yeah Baby!!!!

Amy: Shut up, that's so gross. She's 16! I was thinking more like manual labor.

Todd: Yeah Baby!!!

Amy: You really are a dirty old man, ish!


Todd is going to beat me to hell. No matter what I think I do...he's always one (or 4) steps ahead of me to the front of Satan's line. I suppose that is comforting in a really strange and twisted way...

Friday...

I just got a call from Goldilocks offering to pay restitution for the screens. Yea! Not that it really cost anything, but it's the principal.

And Lord, she sounds dumb as a rock...not that we were thinking she was the brightest bulb on the tree, she did break into our house and pass out on our couch, but forming a sentence without 50 "um's" in it seems like a pretty big stretch.

Wednesday...

I decided that I would really like to have abs of steel. Not just those whimpy abs of aluminum, but the kind you can actually see...I don't need a 6 pack, I would be perfectly happy with a 4 pack. Maybe even a 2.5 pack.

It was rather slow at work today. I seem to have figured out how to do in 2 hours what used to take me 6, so I had some time to do some research on how to get said 6 pack.

I do cardio 5-6 times a week for a minimum of 30 minutes, and I lift weights 4 times a week, but I have this love affair I can't shake with wine and French bread. Both are big NO-NO's when it comes to 6 pack abs. Booooooo.

Then, I discovered Interval Training. It is supposed to kick everything up a notch. Instead of just running for 30 minutes, you sprint at your fastest for 1 minute, then drop to half of that speed for the next 3 minutes, and repeat 6 more times. I thought to myself, "Self? This sounds like a really good plan, you get three whole minutes out of four to be a slacker!!!"

Um, yeah, until I actually did it...

The first 2 sprint sessions went really well...I was running at 10 miles an hour and dropping back to 6 for the 3 minute parts. By the 5th time, it was 5.5 for the 3 minute parts and after 6, I discovered my awesome new shoes weren't quite broken in and I was starting to develop blisters on my arches, so I figured it would be a good time to throw in the towel and walk the last 4 minutes.

Thank you Dr. John Berardi, you have shown me humility. I better get some awesome fat-burning results from this, since I am going to do this until I can see at least a 4 pack.

I'm also working on giving up bread and wine, though it seems almost anti-Catholic to do so...forgive me Father...

Oh well, we all know I'm going to burn in hell anyway...but as I always say, "That's where all the fun people are going to be!!"

(Insert blond giggle here...)

How do you deal with a spoiled rotten family?

I realize it's my fault. I know that I am the only cause of my angst. But, honestly, when I met Todd 4+ years ago, he used to LIKE to leave the house to eat a meal everyonce in a while...ok, back then he was content with frozen pizza from Al's, but now??? I have been sent on a quest to reproduce his favorite pizza...Green Mill thin crust.

Screw Al's, that's so last season.

I have even begged the cooks from the Mill into letting me take sauce home and what do I get??!!

"No, that's not it...it's still sour, must be something besides the sauce."

Not only that, but it's the high end chocolate "Milka" from Germany that I mistakenly got him hooked on...I could only find it a few times a year, now he gets it shipped in from Europe if our sources run dry. Then, there's the daily or 2 Red Bull which we buy by the case from Sams Club, the 100% natural cran/grape juice that is the ONLY juice he will now drink because my dumb ass said you don't buy concentrated juice...what was I thinking? I only meant for the CHILDREN.

And, we aren't even gong to touch the beer issue.

Let us not forget the $15 a pound salami I bought a 1/4 pound for him from Broder's for some "special occasion" which I can now not get him to give up and go back to the cheap stuff from the deli case at Cub, noooooooo, that now tastes like dog.

And the French bread I bake every few days that has become a staple of everyone's diet and they all give me this kind of sad, puppy dog look for the 2-3 months I quit baking every year, because I don't bake when the air conditioning is on...

I cook 6 nights a week. I get one night off for good behavior, so the only thing I can come up with is that they tolerate a night here and there where they don't like something because they know:

A. Tomorrow will be different

and

B. There's a stash of Fritos in the basement.

I'm still waiting for the running bug to hit someone else in the family as quick as the "Spoiled Rotten Foodie" has, but, alas, it's been 18 months, and no one has offered to pony up to be my partner.

I think they are trying to wear me down, but it won't work...

I have a better snack stash.

Shhhhhhh.

For me, there is something great to be said for the quiet solitude of the cube farm after a busy weekend...

Friday, Ross came over for Father's Day weekend early, since he had heat exhaustion and our house seemed more inviting than his for laying around doing nothing. I think it was the chance of better food and a larger television. He's male, what else could it be? We have no 16 year old girls, so that's not it...unless he wanted to meet Niki...wow, I never thought of that...eewweee...

I, of course, went to the gym after work, and then spent a couple hours learning how (low and slow) and how NOT (anything but low heat) to cook panini's on the barbie...grill, not doll. Needless to say, batch number one was rather...um, dark and crispy. I think the squirrels were excited when it went launching across the yard, though.

Saturday morning, I rolled over and said to Todd, "I have a hot date with the produce guys, see ya."

I got to Cub at 7:45, and after joking around with the produce manager, whom I have seen every Saturday for about 10 years, he asked, "Are we close enough friends that I can tell you dirty produce jokes?" I said, "OF COURSE!" Because, I am a sucker for a good dirty joke.

"What is the biggest problem with eating your vegetables?" He asks.

"Um, I don't know, what?"

"Getting them back in the chair."

Blink, blink...the hamster wheel stops, swings back and forth in that way it does when you walk into the room and interrupt it's running pattern...I stare blankly for about 3 seconds..then,

"OH. MY. GOD. Hilarious!"

I am blond...so you need to speak slowly and enunciate well.


I went out with Jessica and her friends on Saturday night, and as soon as I get access to the pictures, I will share...15 girls, ages 21-35 let loose on Downtown Minneapolis...you should be very frightened.

PS. Could someone please explain to me how I tell small young boy how Freddie Mercury died? How do you explain AIDS to a 9 year old? I did my best. It was the night before Niki broke into our house, so I got to piggy back Freddie's disease onto why I should never find find parts of clothing in the yard into why you should always wrap the willie.

I think I'm going to die.

Overheard Conversations at My House

Todd: (answering phone) This is Todd.

Amy: This is the wife.

Todd: Where the hell are you?

Amy: The Lake Harriet Bandshell.

Todd: You left an hour and a half ago, what have you been doing? Where's Ginger Pye?

Amy: I decided to walk around Calhoun, too. I have my ankle weights on, and my legs are tired. Ginger is doing great, it was her idea to walk Calhoun, I couldn't stop her.

Todd: You are on crack. She's 2 inches from the ground, she can't walk 8 miles.

Amy: I'm training her for the wiener dog races at Canterbury. And well, let's see, I missed watching back to back Ned's Declassified and Nascar, so I think I win.

Todd: Whatever, I was fixing the screens Niki busted.


So, yeah, we still haven't heard from her parents and the coppers haven't returned our phone calls regarding restitution.

Figures.

I Couldn't Make This Up...News Of The Weird...At My House...


I wake up at 1am to hear a phone ringing...at least I think that's what I hear. It stops, gets rolled to voice mail, I roll over and go back to sleep thinking it must be Dave calling me drunk from Colorado.

At 1:12, I hear the phone again. Ok, this is annoying.

I roll out of bed and there is someone sleeping on my couch. Must be Jack...no...I go over and realize it's a young girl. I pull the ringing phone out of her hand and realize it's Todd's phone, but I don't recognize the number, so I let it go and shut off the phone. The girl looks up at me and rolls over, pulls my fuzzy throw blanket up over her shoulder, and goes back to sleep. Being that I wasn't all that awake, and it was dark, I thought it was Todd's 2nd cousin. Totally confused as to what she was doing here, I go back to bed. Thinking this will all make sense in the morning.

5am Todd gets up and goes out to the kitchen to get a drink, comes back in the bedroom and says, "What happened last night?"

"What do you mean?" I said back to him.

"The screen is busted."

"Who is sleeping on our couch?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why is there is a girl on our couch?"

Todd looks at me funny and walks out of the bedroom and wakes up said young girl.

I pull on my bathrobe and wander out in the living room, and nope, not 2nd cousin. I have never seen this girl in my life.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" She replied.

"Todd, call the police." I turn to her and say, "Um, for starters your name, and what the hell are you doing asleep on my couch? And why did you bust out our screen to get in here?"


She swears she didn't rip the screen, that she thought her friends were in our house and they must have done it. I'm having a very difficult time believing much from her since she did break into my house, and couldn't really give me any sort of reason why she decided sleeping on my couch, on my pillows, and underneath my blanket was a grand idea at 11:51pm, which was the time she made the first outgoing phone call on Todd's phone.


"Good Lord, Niki, what were you on last night? This is bad, you realize that this is breaking and entering?"


She didn't answer, but just sort of looked at me like a lost puppy, and I felt kind of bad for her. She's 16 years old and randomly breaking into someones house to sleep there...and she lost her bra and one of the two tank tops she had on in my front yard (thankfully, she did have clothes on, but no shoes).

The police finally showed up about 20 minutes after we called them, and took Niki out to the squad while we went over what happened.

Being that she is a minor, they asked what we wanted to do. We said it would be nice if she paid restitution for the screens, but we just wanted them to bring her home to her parents, who live about 3 blocks away.

The most disturbing thing is the copper said this happens a lot. Drunk young girl either walks in or breaks into some random house and passes out on the couch. Nice.

I wish I could say that it all made sense in the end, but we are still baffled. This is what we found outside:
The light laying next to the flowers was pulled out of the ground and used to cut threw the screen below, I'm assuming to open the door, but since you need to unlock the door with a key, that didn't work. So she (or some random other person) ripped the screen out of the window above, pushed our window fan into the house, which was left running on the floor under the desk where it landed, and climbed in the window.


Happy Sunday morning. I told you I couldn't make this crap up.

Jack is calling her Goldilocks and asked if she ate any porridge or broke any of our chairs.

Such wit.

This is to offset the next post.

Freddie Mercury ROCKS!

Hey, Jessica, isn't that your nail polish? Freddie was so ahead of his time.

And, in 1974, I was 3.

Any guesses how they stayed so thin? Was is Coke or something else? Hrmmmm, curious....I'm thinking they weren't running...

I have heard this song a million times, well, almost, and I love it, I just never knew who sang it. Well, I found out it was someone whom I never thought I would ever listen to...

Don't hate me, the song is pretty awesome.

PS. Dave, where is my Queen?!!

And Band, not Royalty.

An Open Letter To My Little Brother...

Yo, bong banger who forgot tons of crap at my house I am having to make my husband ship via snail mail...

WHERE ARE MY PICTURES????

Heeeeeellllllooooo??????


By the way, the cherries you left here are awesome, and I am going to drink your beer with them. And the cheese you left, and all the other food I'm trying to work into the menu...do you do this to challenge me????!!!

And...Ross LIKES the boudoir, unlike you, he says he feels like he's in India. So, TTHHHBBBBB!!!!

Which is also where I feel like I park at work.

And Donna, I tried to go to the belly dancing thing on Saturday, but they locked the doors at 8, and since I was late because it took me forever to find the place, I went to the local pizza joint to play Ms. Pac Man and ended up coming home with pizza sauce for Todd because they couldn't serve food because they ran out of cheese and they took the Ms. Pac Man game out a few months ago...Bastards.

No lie, this is my life.

Kisses,
Amy

I will add some pictures once Dave gives me some. He's become my main photographer.

New address, same old Amy. I am having issues with a certain member of my family and let's just say she's been blacklisted from my blog and life in general. It took me this long to figure out if I was going to keep the blog, delete out the old, change it to private, blah, blah, blah...so for starters, I changed the name. Said family member isn't bright enough to find it, I think, without a link.

Updates on me and mine...

I haven't been running more than once a week, I ran around Calhoun yesterday, so I think I can start adding a few more days here and there. Shins feel good. I've been doing the elliptical like a crazy woman and lifting weights about 5 times a week. So, my girlie "cycle" decided to leave me for several weeks...about 9. Thankfully, it returned, so me feeling like I swallowed about 4 gallons of fluid should go away...I think I'm retaining so much water you could poke me with a pin and it would start a gusher. Ok, TMI. But, that is all we are about here, isn't it?

New job is good, except at the moment I have nothing to do, hence you get your blog update. I'm learning a lot, usually. Like the people, hate the commute, like the pay. So, good out weighs bad, I guess.

Jack is fabulous, he's going to Pershing for the summer and very excited to be done with school. He's been reading all of the Harry Potter books again, and finished number 6 last week, so he started up on 4. He'll probably have 5 done by the time the movie comes out.

Saw Pirate's of the Carribbean III, loved Johnny Depp, hated the movie.

Jessica is moving back to Apple Valley. Shannon and Beckham are going with her. She can't sell her townhome without taking a big loss. I'll let you know what happens with the duplex as the time gets closer...it's a surprise.

Dave leaves today for Colorado, or maybe Texas, but whichever, I get my room back. I miss it and need to finish the drapes. He said he's only been here for 5 weeks. It seems like longer. I do miss him when he is away, he keeps me company in the kitchen. He's probably the only person I can actually cook with because he doesn't tell me what to do and knows how to work with others. Oooooo, is that a slam? I think so!

I wear business clothes, heels, nylons, and the whole 9 yards to work every day...except Friday. I wore jeans with my blazer today. Scary, huh?

I miss flip flops.

Ok, job update, since people keep asking...

I am building staffing and profit and loss models in Excel for a reorganization. I spend my days in meetings getting the requirements and then I play with formulas the rest of the time.

Exciting? Not really, but I'm learning a lot about the Finance and Accounting departments of a very large corporation.

Other than that, getting to the gym is more difficult with this whole "job" thing, but I managed to get there Monday (since I was still without job), Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I'm going to go today and tomorrow. Yes, I am a cardio addict. But, there is a "Y" about 2 blocks from my new employment, so I can go there right after work and avoid the rush hour traffic going home, which is nice for me, but not so nice for Todd who is getting rather annoyed at eating dinner at 7:30pm. I told him he could start cooking dinner instead, but apparently it doesn't bother him THAT much.

Ok, I am off to run the numerous Saturday errands I have, get ready for my mother to come on Wednesday, refill my Xaanex prescription, and do some yard work. Did I mention refilling my Xaanex prescription?

Dave and I thought it would be a good idea to go for a walk at about 8 at night, but I misunderstood and thought we were going for a short walk, not 4 miles. I had to stop and rest my feet since I was wearing flip flops. I ended up with 3 blisters.

I got a job! I leave in about 35 minutes for my first day.

Jessica asked if I was nervous, I said, "No, should I be?" She said, "Yes, terrified. What if no one wants to eat lunch with you?"

I replied, "I am bringing sushi and eating at my desk." Problem solved.

She then asked if I had my clothes ready for my first day. I said, "Yes, since last week."

She told me she was proud of me.

Awwwww, being a stepmonster has many rewards. Girl support is one of them.

By the way, I dug out all my "business clothes" that have been hiding under my bed in boxes since t-shirts, jeans, and flip flops were standard uniform at RFC and discovered, A. I own a lot of black. B. I can still fit into everything (actually, I think I'm smaller than I was then...) and C. I'm actually kind of excited to have a real job again.

Oh, and I have no idea what I'm doing. My title is "analyst", but I have yet to discover what I will be analyzing.

I think I'm being thrown to the wolves.

This was taken when Jack and I went to Underwater World at Hugedale, and it just struck me as SO WRONG, I had to take a photo. Hrmmmm, nice beaver.

So, the last Home and School meeting was tonight (Jack's school's version of the PTA). It was way too long. One brand-new-to-home-and-school mom kept going on and on about the deserts being served for Pizza and Subway days. Trans fat, food coloring, peanut allergies, sugar...

Ok, if you don't like it, pack your kid's lunch! I wonder if this is how Congress feels when a newly appointed, idealistic, greenhorn comes in to an old school Congressional Committee.

Sheesh...

I managed to find myself the chair of the yearbook staff, the chair for food for the parent/teacher get together in January, and I'm co-chairing the 1st school carnival for the fall of 08.

Someone needs to teach me to keep my mouth shut.

Overheard Conversations on Amy's IM...

Amy: Hey Bob, how goes it?

Bob: Just hangin' out.

Amy: Fun, I'm still unemployed and Todd and I are still fighting. Why can't we all just get along? I think the convent is looking better every day. Do you suppose it's a gene?

Bob: Is there a nun in your ancestors?

Amy: no, I meant the divorce gene. I think I got it plus some. Dave says I break them.

Bob: You break genes? You putting on weight? (There's a pun in there somewhere).

Amy: Hahaha, actually, no, I can bench press 95 pounds (which is a lot for me) and I can do real pushups on my toes for the first time ever. I'm scary. I do cardio for an average of 45 minutes a day. I stink a lot. Maybe that's why we fight, because I smell.

So...I registered with Capella University. I'm going back to school. Fo Shizzle. Accounting...could you gag? I want to learn how to screw over the government. I didn't put that on my application...

Bob: If you really want to screw the government, start a business. As a woman-owned business you'll get jobs you otherwise couldn't compete for. If you could turn black and disabled you wouldn't have to work again for life.

Amy: OMG, you kill me! Actually, I've been applying lately with contracting companies. I have another one to contact tomorrow that a friend of mine works with. She's a CPA, but, apparently, they also contract with some of us plain folk who just do everything really well...

I wish I could be black and disabled, but not working is kind of driving me crazy.

Bob: Get a tanning light, say more things like "fo shizzle," and limp a lot.



I love Bob...

He's coming over on Tuesday to show me the fine art of Macros in Excel and how to manipulate them into building up massive points for my Neopet. It's nice having friends who are as geeky as me.

Overheard Conversations at My House...

(Amy on the phone with some kid from the University of Minnesota)

Amy: I am trying to get a copy of my old transcript and this web site says I need to have a web ID to log in. Can you help? I haven't been to the "U" since the dark ages. I have my student ID, and, boy, did I have a lot of hair back then.

Todd: Look at those glasses! They take up half your face! Hahahahahha, geek! Hey, is that your natural hair color?

Guy on Phone: Do you remember your old web ID?

Amy: Um, the Internet didn't exist when I went to college. We used rocks and chisels. Did you ever see the Flintstones? Yeah, that was me. I think I have my abacus around here somewhere...

Guy on Phone: Your what?

Amy: Um, nevermind, so about that web ID?

Guy on Phone: Well, I don't have enough information here to verify your id, I think you are going to need to come down.

Amy: Does it have the classes I took? I can tell you when I started and that I dropped out of suicide French 1101 after my car was broken into the day before and that was when I met my best friend Dave who found me chain smoking Camel Lights and freaking out on the steps of the school building because I missed a day of classes and already put me too far behind to continue...

Guy on Phone: Um...well...that's not on your transcript, but here's your new web ID. I think this is where we part ways.

Amy: Thank you, you have been most helpful.

Sad, Sad Day at RFC

There was a massive lay off of employees in my old department. People I thought would NEVER be let go, and they are gone. The atmosphere there is not pretty, I hear.

I just wanted to tell you all that I am sorry, I truly enjoyed my time there with you and I hope you all find unemployment as enjoyable as I have been finding it.

But, I have been diligently looking for a job...honest.

UPDATED PHOTOS OF WHAT I DID DURING MY TIME OFF OF WORK...

I made lots of pillow covers. The lovely mirror Todd and I put together from leftover scraps around the house and a can of gold spray paint. And several swear words.

My very first drapery panel, yes fully lined, which caused the hemming of the below to take FOREVER when done by hand.

Yes, still needs to be pressed. Shut up, I know.

Did I mention Jack got Zuzu and her dog new hats?
Yeah, the wieners are sleeping with him at night for protection.