Squeeze Cheese and small boy...


I just don't have words that will do this justice...

Ok, so I know this shot sucks, but I was walking through the skyway, so use your imagination and follow along...

World of Poker black leather bomber, $425 (comes with matching chip set on Austins Craigslist!!)

Cheap cologne wafting up my nostrils $6.99 (found at Walgreens!!)

Dyed black, slicked back, mini mustache wearing machismo man bringing me giggles as I walk to work at 7:25am....priceless.

Downtown can be so much fun!

Ok, so me crying twice in a year is a big thing, but twice in a month?

I was in the process of making crab cakes and I cut off my left index finger's nail (over 50%) with a chef's knife.

Oh. My. God. The blood.

I've never done that before, so I tearfully call Dave who says he's done it a t least a dozen times...it's going to hurt like an effing c*nt in heat and will take 6 weeks to heal.

Wow, and to think it's only Wednesday. I wonder if I can do more damage to myself by the weekend.

I've also discovered how much it sucks to type with a gigantic bandage wrapped around one's index finger.

Does anyone happen to have a box of finger bandages they can run over right now?

I went shopping last night...I needed retail therapy after Todd took all of my whites, lights, and delicates and washed them in HOT water, then threw them all in the dryer. I lost all of my favorite sweaters and I cried. Some very small person at the thrift store will be happy, though.
It was not the best time to shop, since I am in my uber fat stage. I had gall bladder stones, was terrified to go to the doctor since I didn't want them to take it out, so I did the homeopathic "flush" and got a bunch of them out. I've gained 12 pounds since August, and I'm hoping to lose it now that I can actually process food again. I never realized what a blessing it is not needing to live of off saline laxatives until just recently. TMI, I know, but, well, duh.

I took Jack to Red Nails this morning for a pedicure and manicure.

Why, Amy, why??

Because I wanted to go...my hands and feet have been NASTY for months and with all the meetings I have at work, I was feeling really bad for the people who had to look at my gross cuticles when I point to figures. I can't do a decent job on my nails myself and I got reprimanded by the nail tech for pushing my cuticles back too much.

Why did I bring Jack? Because he has my nasty nails. He went plain this time, but NEXT time, he's going to alternate neon orange and red on his toes and get blue fingernails.

I'm procrastinating doing my homework so I better get back to it....

Sigh...

The boy and his dog...

Normally, you can't see her because her favorite spot is by your feet, so I had to take a picture because they are just too cute...that, and Jack will have a cow when he sees this...he he he

Christmas at the Swensons...

I'm not even going to tell you how long it took me to sew these slippers.
Ok, so they aren't just like when she was 5, but I hope she wears them.

Guitar Hero ROCKS!!

Todd, playing along with Guitar Hero...who needs Rock Star??

Todd says he's never leaving home and is going to live in our basement forever.
I said at least he would have someone to keep him company in the batcave.

Jack and I went to Edgewater again this year... he's still mastering the kiddie pool. I think it's getting harder as he gets older because he really doesn't fit on the pads anymore.

So from our family to you, Happy New Year!

I have great photos for Christmas and updates, but all the photos are on the computer at home and I am in a ski chalet in Duluth.

In a nutshell:

Christmas was fabulous

Oscar is getting fixed in January

Guitar Hero is SO MUCH FUN!!

I got a new robot vacuum for Christmas from my father, which is the coolest gift...I just wish it would dust.

Jack and I are staying at Edgewater Resort and Waterpark in Duluth for a few days for some mother-son bonding and so Todd can have a couple days of peace and quiet at home with the wieners.

Photos coming soon...

Todd: What's the blog address?

Amy: We have a blog?

Todd: Ha, ha, ha, what's the link?

Amy: We have a link?

Todd: Never mind, I have my sources.

Ok, I'm scared because Todd has no blog sources unless he's texting Jessica, who is trapped in New Hampshire in an ice storm. After I almost committed caninacide on Oscar because he PEED ON MY COUCH!!!!!!!! I think New Hampshire sounds quite lovely.


Ok, I'm in big trouble because he FOUND it and is complaining that I said he has a fat ass. Well...I said he had a skinny ass that one year he lost all the weight...I guess he didn't read that far back. I was also making fun of moi, but he only read all about himself. Figures.

I think he is now downstairs reading all about the last 2 years of our life.

Why do I find that really funny??

Overheard Conversations at My House...Sorta...Setting: Hair Salon

Amy: "I want Farrah Faucet Hair."

Hairstylist that is about 12: Ok, she said nothing, just sort of looked at me like a deer in the headlights.

Amy: "Layers...starting at about my nose....you know, if I flip my head upside down it's all the same length?"

Hairstylist that is about 12: "Your hair is really dry, you need deep conditioning."

Amy: "Yes, I know, I'm not dying it that color anymore, I'm keeping it dark, but I want long layers. Wait...do you know who Farrah Faucet is??

Hairstylist that is about 12: "No."

So, for all of you who do NOT know who Farrah Faucet is...I want Farrah hair:


But, I would take Raquel hair:
I so hope I look half that hot when I'm uber old.

Pictures to come...I haven't set my hair yet.

Christmas Hunt 07 as seen by Jack:

Our photographer

Who really needs a haircut

The dense thick forest where we track our victim

Heading out for the hunt

The hounds are trying to pick up the scent

This one?

There are numerous victims to pick from...

um, I think the photographer is getting bored

One of the hounds hot on the trail...

Wow, he's old. Mental note: no zooming in on parents.

Amy: Don't forget to take the annual bootie shot.
Sheesh, his butt got big...

Wow, those clips for my glasses look really stupid.

The remains.

Dragging it back to the car, as the hounds weren't cooperating fetching the kill.

I really need to talk to Jack about, maybe, zooming a bit too far...

The hounds are leading the way back so we don't get lost...

The gift shop...
Jack: Mom, I have $2 burning a hole in my pocket.
Amy: I'll take it...

Jack: Can I keep it, please? They say it needs a new home.
Amy: I can see the cat with the wieners now...I think I need to go lie down.

Jack: It's purring, it loves me!
Amy: So does Ginger Pye, and she purrs, it just sounds a lot like whining.

Jack: If you really loved me, you would let me take it home.
Amy: You are right, I'm a horrible mother. Now let's go home so you can get your daily beating with a side of cod liver oil.

Thankfully, he got it onto the truck without my help, because, I really hate that part.

I think he was dreaming of ways to hurt his mean mother for not letting him take the cat home.
Boy, was he mad after the flash went off and woke him up...

Later...

Amy: Here are the tree lights from last year. I guarantee they won't work, they haven't for 5 years. I've just learn to accept the fact I need to go buy new ones every time we put up the tree. Jack, when have to go buy new Christmas lights, we are stopping at Holiday for Pumpkin Pie Lattes.

Jack: Yea! (He is, apparently, over the cat)

Todd: (Plugging all 3 strings into a socket) There must be something wrong with the switch, I can't believe all three strings won't light.

So, Todd goes and gets some doo-hickey and tests all the strands and one turns on about half of it's lights and the other 2 strings stay completely dead. Meanwhile, Jack and I start getting ready for lattes. Todd then swears a lot, gets frustrated, and goes down to the batcave talking about Chinese conspiracies.

Welcome to Christmas at the Swenson's.

Happy Holidays!

Overheard Conversations At My House:

Amy: Do you want to see the new dishes I bought?

Todd: No, they are dishes.

Amy: But they are RED and PRETTY and SQUARE and CHRISTMASY. Can you at least feign some excitement?

Todd: OH BOY! Those are the coolest dishes I have EVER SEEN! I think I'm going to go downstairs and masturbate about them!

Amy: Do you want to bring a dish with as a visual aide?

Todd: No, I'll take a bowl.

Amy: Gross. Paper plates for you...forever.

Setting: Nicollet Mall, Downtown Minneapolis, about 6:35 pm, Black Friday.

Ross: Why are we here?

Amy: For the Hollidazzle Parade.

Ross: But it's cold. I mean I understand that this is tradition, but I'm cold.

Amy: We do this every year to get us in the holiday spirit and the added bonus is that it tortures you, the kids.

Jack: I'm bored, let's go see Santa.

Amy: Oh My God, fine! Don't say I never compromise.

Todd: HA! You must be cold, too.

"And I want new games for my Wii..."

And who says Ross can't get into the spirit...

He LOOOOOVES Santa, too!

Ok, now for the Annual Spoiler....This is Macy's 8th floor Nutcracker thing...I put this on here so all of you who aren't here in Minnesota (because Colorado is more fun) can see it in all it's 2 dimensional glory. It was cute, but the crowds were way worse this year than the last few...and did you know if you spend over $150 at Macy's they will let you jump to the front of the line, which last night, was almost to the floor below...

This is the Godfather (he is all over the place on top of things,
and rather freaky looking with the eye patch)

Ok, some people just wouldn't get their heads out of the way of my photos. The crowd does thin out and I just get more pushy and rude.

Yea! Party!

Oh, by now, my family ditched me because I was moving so slow, so there will be no dry humorless quips coming from the peanut gallery...sorry. I'll try to fill in with some things I overheard from other families who like each other and actually stayed TOGETHER!



Yes, there is the creepy guy with the patch.
Yes, Godfather. Thank you, Godfather. Whatever you say, Godfather.











Ok, I couldn't get a good picture of the tree...use your imagination.


Menacing, very menacing....




Ok, now all of a sudden, the nutcracker has become a man! I think I missed something...




Not sure how exactly she saved him, either...but I never saw the ballet...



Marzipan Piggies!!

Sweet Chinese Tea!

Ooo, Spanish chocolate!

Arabic coffee? Not sure how that fits into the whole candy theme...

"Look Mommy! There are little dancing people under her skirt!"
The look of glee on the little girls face was almost enough so this didn't give me the willies...Almost.





Ohhhhhh, it's the whole 'dream sequence' thing. Now I get it!

Merry Christmas!!