He is a soldier, fighting to protect our country against the forces of evil.

Even though he is too young to fight, he steps up to take his place in the fight against evil...

With great experience, the master knows is it time to join the young and brave in defending their land against the forces that haunt them...

"NO! NO! Don't hurt us, we surrender!!!"

"Go ahead, make my day."

I think I peed my pants a little from laughing so hard...

I was told to update...so here it is in a nutshell...

I am not blonde. Todd looked at me the other day (about 2 weeks ago) and said, "I hate your hair, add some color to it". After contemplating this suggestion, making rude comments back to him such as "bite me", I decided to try brunette. It's not staying very well and I need more lowlights, but I apparently look like a brunette that is working on being blonde rather than the other way around.

Jack looked at me and said "That's what you call artificial intelligence." Ha. Ha. Ha. Smart alec.

I finally ran all three lakes a couple weeks ago...10 miles. Then, I fell over on the couch and whined for an hour with ice packs on my shins.

I've been cheating on my diet since I discovered the wine section of Trader Joe's. No worries, I do homework most nights so my wine drinking is reserved for weekends with no kids...which also happen to be date nights, and Todd and I have been going to Matt's for Juicy Lucy's. Yes, I am a cheap date, but the Juicy Lucy is soooo yummy and I get to ride bitch on the fatboy.

Oh, then we take the bike out.

God, I never tire of that joke.

One of my best friends moved to Arizona. I miss her. She says it's like living in Minnesota in January...except with different scenery...therefore, no one spends any more time than necessary outside. Me? I'd most likely be the moron running outside at 5am to beat the heat, since I did the 10 miler in 95 degree heat and about the same humidity. Yes, you can take the blonde color off the blondilocks, but that doesn't make her smart.

I went out again with Jacky on Saturday. She is hilarious! We went back to the Blue Fox, saw some of the same people, and now we are regulars. Kill me.

Work has been dreadfully slow and I am rolling off this project at the end of the month. I can't wait, as having nothing to do makes me update my blog with no pictures.

School is going well, though I am feeling dumber by the day instead of smarter. I'm learning, once again, that I really don't know squat.

And finally, If you drink two Slimfasts a day for several days in a row, you will get the squirts so bad your wife will have to drive out to Apple Valley to bring you new clothes.

But, I'm not saying how I know this...

See Jack

See BeckhamSee Jack and Beckham playing togetherThis was the only time that Beckham actually played with his blocks the whole time he was with us...I think he sat there for about 30 seconds, granted Jack was kept occupied for a good 3 hours.

Oh, the gloves?

Baby drool, duhh....

I couldn't make this up.

How to tell if you are truly a Geek:

You finished Harry Potter 7 within 48 hours of it's release when you had no intention of picking it up and reading it...

AND...

...so did your 9 year old.

Friday, we all volunteered for 89.3 and we went to the Saints game and I got a massage from a nun. Because, that's what you do at a Saints game.

I had a giant pickle, Todd had a hot dog, 3 beers (ok, I may have tasted some of them) a pulled chicken sandwich, sold two extra tickets someone gave us for $10, and Jack bought a root beer and a plastic bat and tried to hit balls at a target:



And, we sang karoke to the "YMCA".


(the sun made it hard to see the screen)
"IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA!!"

Be frightened, be very frightened.

So, we were babysitting a 14 month old and who plays with his toys?

Yes, it would be Jack. He spent a good hour playing with Beckham's car simulator.

And Beckham spent the whole time playing with my plastic curlers.

Go figure.

Oscar's New PetIt's a hamster Oscar, do you want to see it?

Sniff the hamster...isn't it cute?
No! No tasting the hamster!
You can't eat the hamster, it's not yours to devour, it is the class hamster.
That's better, if I hold your mouth shut, you can't taste her.

Unfortunately, there were 2 hamsters and one (thankfully not this one, or I would have thought I killed it from fear) died.

Todd gave her the circular funeral usually reserved for fish, but since it was a dwarf hamster, we figured it wouldn't clog the pipes.

I was the lucky one that found it all stiff and curled up in the shavings. Way gross!

Girls Night Out Volume 2...

I love Jacky...4 bloody Mary's later and she's up on the stage playing an inflatable guitar pretending it's her birthday.


She describes herself as "fun in a box!" Like a Jacky in the box! Fun contained and ready to be let loose at anytime...

I met Jacky and Sharon at the Blue Fox in Shoreview last night. The crowd was interesting, to say the least.
I was walking out the door at 7:40 last night and Todd says to me, "Go put some clothes on!"
Yeah, whatever, I was wearing this really cute summer top and wasn't about to change. I said, "Don't worry honey, it's the Blue Fox, like I'm going to be picking up old men in Shoreview...Puleeze!! And I'm wearing my leash, aka wedding ring." Wiggling my fingers in front of him, I trot across the lawn into the truck before he can chase me down.
And, um, yeah, the pickens were non-existent...laughably so! Worse than my imagination could have conjured. But, we still had a great time, Jacky and Sharon are hilarious, and between laughing at the people who were shaking their things at some mysterious song that must have been playing in their own head (because they certainly were not matching the rhythm of the songs we were hearing) to the overly done up Shoreview local cougars, it was a great girls night out.
We'll have to do it again next month!
And I'll have more pictures if my email ever receives them...Jacky had on camouflage shoes to match her outfit...and dog tags to complete the ensemble.

Tres Chic!

So, I started this whacko health diet about a week ago.

Little to NO carbs. No bread, no white stuff (ie, sugar, flour, starch) and no wine (Dear GOD!)

I want to get down to 16% body fat.

Why? Why Amy, why?

Because...I am a crazy woman.

This morning:

Amy: Oooo, Jack look at this runner...I want to look like that...

Jack: Old, wrinkly, and with big muscles?

Amy: Ok, maybe not exactly like that...

No lie, that was verbatim...she did have an awesome six pack, but she also had about 15 years on me, and no, I don't want her wrinkles.

There is a new appreciation I have for food since my early morning breakfast shake consists of Greens+, Chocolate Whey Protein, and flax seed meal mixed with juice and water. It's so gross, it's comical.

Fruit and grape nuts are cheats. I never appreciated a bowl of grape nuts with berries so much as I did last night after doing 30 minutes of interval training on the elliptical on level 14.

Todd is about to have me committed.

Girls Night Out...
Now, where in these two faces does it say,
"Please walk up to me and use the LAMEST pick up line ever":

"So ladies, have you met any assholes yet tonight? My name is Eric, what's yours?"

"Taken." I replied.
Here is Shannon, Kellie, Jessica, and April. April is pregnant, so she wasn't drinking nor going out with us. She came for dinner. It was a celebration of several of these lovely girls turning 30.

Yah...shut up...I still remember my 30th birthday...I was getting divorced and living with my daddy. OH, and also a celebration of Kellie's new boobies. I am so jealous, aren't they pretty? I want a pair, too!
Yes, dancing and fun was had by all. I was a good girl and stayed sober to drive my self home at a semi-decent hour, and they went out and whooped it up for a few more hours. When I left, there was only one girl that was really hammered, and I, respectfully, did not document that here. I kind of knew when she pronouced her love for me when leaving one of the bars. It was cute...that's the great thing about going out with the girl friends, they take good care of you when you are in need of some blocking by creepy drunk men looking to take advantage. Shannon is the best, hands down, she just tells them to get lost!

I was also kept occupied by a friend of mine who was drunk texting me from a wild wedding reception...the best part was when they closed down a bar by buying not one, but TWO rounds of shots for everyone. Apparently, it was an expensive night. When I responded to the last text message the next morning (since it came long after I was asleep) asking how the hang over was...all I got was..."Like Death".

Living vicariously through others...gotta love it!

Friday Later...

Todd: So you got a call from Goldilocks?

Amy: Yes, it surprised me...totally wasn't expecting it to be her on the other end of the line.

Todd: I think you should tell her at least $50 for the screens and the light she ripped out.

Amy: Allegedly ripped out. And maybe we should ask for something else, like she could work off the debt.

Todd: Yeah Baby!!!!

Amy: Shut up, that's so gross. She's 16! I was thinking more like manual labor.

Todd: Yeah Baby!!!

Amy: You really are a dirty old man, ish!


Todd is going to beat me to hell. No matter what I think I do...he's always one (or 4) steps ahead of me to the front of Satan's line. I suppose that is comforting in a really strange and twisted way...

Friday...

I just got a call from Goldilocks offering to pay restitution for the screens. Yea! Not that it really cost anything, but it's the principal.

And Lord, she sounds dumb as a rock...not that we were thinking she was the brightest bulb on the tree, she did break into our house and pass out on our couch, but forming a sentence without 50 "um's" in it seems like a pretty big stretch.

Wednesday...

I decided that I would really like to have abs of steel. Not just those whimpy abs of aluminum, but the kind you can actually see...I don't need a 6 pack, I would be perfectly happy with a 4 pack. Maybe even a 2.5 pack.

It was rather slow at work today. I seem to have figured out how to do in 2 hours what used to take me 6, so I had some time to do some research on how to get said 6 pack.

I do cardio 5-6 times a week for a minimum of 30 minutes, and I lift weights 4 times a week, but I have this love affair I can't shake with wine and French bread. Both are big NO-NO's when it comes to 6 pack abs. Booooooo.

Then, I discovered Interval Training. It is supposed to kick everything up a notch. Instead of just running for 30 minutes, you sprint at your fastest for 1 minute, then drop to half of that speed for the next 3 minutes, and repeat 6 more times. I thought to myself, "Self? This sounds like a really good plan, you get three whole minutes out of four to be a slacker!!!"

Um, yeah, until I actually did it...

The first 2 sprint sessions went really well...I was running at 10 miles an hour and dropping back to 6 for the 3 minute parts. By the 5th time, it was 5.5 for the 3 minute parts and after 6, I discovered my awesome new shoes weren't quite broken in and I was starting to develop blisters on my arches, so I figured it would be a good time to throw in the towel and walk the last 4 minutes.

Thank you Dr. John Berardi, you have shown me humility. I better get some awesome fat-burning results from this, since I am going to do this until I can see at least a 4 pack.

I'm also working on giving up bread and wine, though it seems almost anti-Catholic to do so...forgive me Father...

Oh well, we all know I'm going to burn in hell anyway...but as I always say, "That's where all the fun people are going to be!!"

(Insert blond giggle here...)

How do you deal with a spoiled rotten family?

I realize it's my fault. I know that I am the only cause of my angst. But, honestly, when I met Todd 4+ years ago, he used to LIKE to leave the house to eat a meal everyonce in a while...ok, back then he was content with frozen pizza from Al's, but now??? I have been sent on a quest to reproduce his favorite pizza...Green Mill thin crust.

Screw Al's, that's so last season.

I have even begged the cooks from the Mill into letting me take sauce home and what do I get??!!

"No, that's not it...it's still sour, must be something besides the sauce."

Not only that, but it's the high end chocolate "Milka" from Germany that I mistakenly got him hooked on...I could only find it a few times a year, now he gets it shipped in from Europe if our sources run dry. Then, there's the daily or 2 Red Bull which we buy by the case from Sams Club, the 100% natural cran/grape juice that is the ONLY juice he will now drink because my dumb ass said you don't buy concentrated juice...what was I thinking? I only meant for the CHILDREN.

And, we aren't even gong to touch the beer issue.

Let us not forget the $15 a pound salami I bought a 1/4 pound for him from Broder's for some "special occasion" which I can now not get him to give up and go back to the cheap stuff from the deli case at Cub, noooooooo, that now tastes like dog.

And the French bread I bake every few days that has become a staple of everyone's diet and they all give me this kind of sad, puppy dog look for the 2-3 months I quit baking every year, because I don't bake when the air conditioning is on...

I cook 6 nights a week. I get one night off for good behavior, so the only thing I can come up with is that they tolerate a night here and there where they don't like something because they know:

A. Tomorrow will be different

and

B. There's a stash of Fritos in the basement.

I'm still waiting for the running bug to hit someone else in the family as quick as the "Spoiled Rotten Foodie" has, but, alas, it's been 18 months, and no one has offered to pony up to be my partner.

I think they are trying to wear me down, but it won't work...

I have a better snack stash.

Shhhhhhh.

For me, there is something great to be said for the quiet solitude of the cube farm after a busy weekend...

Friday, Ross came over for Father's Day weekend early, since he had heat exhaustion and our house seemed more inviting than his for laying around doing nothing. I think it was the chance of better food and a larger television. He's male, what else could it be? We have no 16 year old girls, so that's not it...unless he wanted to meet Niki...wow, I never thought of that...eewweee...

I, of course, went to the gym after work, and then spent a couple hours learning how (low and slow) and how NOT (anything but low heat) to cook panini's on the barbie...grill, not doll. Needless to say, batch number one was rather...um, dark and crispy. I think the squirrels were excited when it went launching across the yard, though.

Saturday morning, I rolled over and said to Todd, "I have a hot date with the produce guys, see ya."

I got to Cub at 7:45, and after joking around with the produce manager, whom I have seen every Saturday for about 10 years, he asked, "Are we close enough friends that I can tell you dirty produce jokes?" I said, "OF COURSE!" Because, I am a sucker for a good dirty joke.

"What is the biggest problem with eating your vegetables?" He asks.

"Um, I don't know, what?"

"Getting them back in the chair."

Blink, blink...the hamster wheel stops, swings back and forth in that way it does when you walk into the room and interrupt it's running pattern...I stare blankly for about 3 seconds..then,

"OH. MY. GOD. Hilarious!"

I am blond...so you need to speak slowly and enunciate well.


I went out with Jessica and her friends on Saturday night, and as soon as I get access to the pictures, I will share...15 girls, ages 21-35 let loose on Downtown Minneapolis...you should be very frightened.

PS. Could someone please explain to me how I tell small young boy how Freddie Mercury died? How do you explain AIDS to a 9 year old? I did my best. It was the night before Niki broke into our house, so I got to piggy back Freddie's disease onto why I should never find find parts of clothing in the yard into why you should always wrap the willie.

I think I'm going to die.

Overheard Conversations at My House

Todd: (answering phone) This is Todd.

Amy: This is the wife.

Todd: Where the hell are you?

Amy: The Lake Harriet Bandshell.

Todd: You left an hour and a half ago, what have you been doing? Where's Ginger Pye?

Amy: I decided to walk around Calhoun, too. I have my ankle weights on, and my legs are tired. Ginger is doing great, it was her idea to walk Calhoun, I couldn't stop her.

Todd: You are on crack. She's 2 inches from the ground, she can't walk 8 miles.

Amy: I'm training her for the wiener dog races at Canterbury. And well, let's see, I missed watching back to back Ned's Declassified and Nascar, so I think I win.

Todd: Whatever, I was fixing the screens Niki busted.


So, yeah, we still haven't heard from her parents and the coppers haven't returned our phone calls regarding restitution.

Figures.

I Couldn't Make This Up...News Of The Weird...At My House...


I wake up at 1am to hear a phone ringing...at least I think that's what I hear. It stops, gets rolled to voice mail, I roll over and go back to sleep thinking it must be Dave calling me drunk from Colorado.

At 1:12, I hear the phone again. Ok, this is annoying.

I roll out of bed and there is someone sleeping on my couch. Must be Jack...no...I go over and realize it's a young girl. I pull the ringing phone out of her hand and realize it's Todd's phone, but I don't recognize the number, so I let it go and shut off the phone. The girl looks up at me and rolls over, pulls my fuzzy throw blanket up over her shoulder, and goes back to sleep. Being that I wasn't all that awake, and it was dark, I thought it was Todd's 2nd cousin. Totally confused as to what she was doing here, I go back to bed. Thinking this will all make sense in the morning.

5am Todd gets up and goes out to the kitchen to get a drink, comes back in the bedroom and says, "What happened last night?"

"What do you mean?" I said back to him.

"The screen is busted."

"Who is sleeping on our couch?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why is there is a girl on our couch?"

Todd looks at me funny and walks out of the bedroom and wakes up said young girl.

I pull on my bathrobe and wander out in the living room, and nope, not 2nd cousin. I have never seen this girl in my life.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" She replied.

"Todd, call the police." I turn to her and say, "Um, for starters your name, and what the hell are you doing asleep on my couch? And why did you bust out our screen to get in here?"


She swears she didn't rip the screen, that she thought her friends were in our house and they must have done it. I'm having a very difficult time believing much from her since she did break into my house, and couldn't really give me any sort of reason why she decided sleeping on my couch, on my pillows, and underneath my blanket was a grand idea at 11:51pm, which was the time she made the first outgoing phone call on Todd's phone.


"Good Lord, Niki, what were you on last night? This is bad, you realize that this is breaking and entering?"


She didn't answer, but just sort of looked at me like a lost puppy, and I felt kind of bad for her. She's 16 years old and randomly breaking into someones house to sleep there...and she lost her bra and one of the two tank tops she had on in my front yard (thankfully, she did have clothes on, but no shoes).

The police finally showed up about 20 minutes after we called them, and took Niki out to the squad while we went over what happened.

Being that she is a minor, they asked what we wanted to do. We said it would be nice if she paid restitution for the screens, but we just wanted them to bring her home to her parents, who live about 3 blocks away.

The most disturbing thing is the copper said this happens a lot. Drunk young girl either walks in or breaks into some random house and passes out on the couch. Nice.

I wish I could say that it all made sense in the end, but we are still baffled. This is what we found outside:
The light laying next to the flowers was pulled out of the ground and used to cut threw the screen below, I'm assuming to open the door, but since you need to unlock the door with a key, that didn't work. So she (or some random other person) ripped the screen out of the window above, pushed our window fan into the house, which was left running on the floor under the desk where it landed, and climbed in the window.


Happy Sunday morning. I told you I couldn't make this crap up.

Jack is calling her Goldilocks and asked if she ate any porridge or broke any of our chairs.

Such wit.

This is to offset the next post.

Freddie Mercury ROCKS!

Hey, Jessica, isn't that your nail polish? Freddie was so ahead of his time.

And, in 1974, I was 3.

Any guesses how they stayed so thin? Was is Coke or something else? Hrmmmm, curious....I'm thinking they weren't running...

I have heard this song a million times, well, almost, and I love it, I just never knew who sang it. Well, I found out it was someone whom I never thought I would ever listen to...

Don't hate me, the song is pretty awesome.

PS. Dave, where is my Queen?!!

And Band, not Royalty.