I Have The Best Son EVER

October 2006...

Jack: Mom, I bought your Christmas present, do you want to know what it is?

Amy: No, it's October, I want to wait until Christmas.

Jack: Do you want a hint?

Amy: No, I want to wait until Christmas.

And so it went, every week until Christmas...EVERY WEEK...

Jack: Open mine first!! (Jumping up and down) I spent a WHOLE DAY wrapping it!

Amy: It's lovely, Jack, I can't wait.

With child standing over me, basically helping me unwrap the present,

I get it open and pull out this:

1987 Pilot Santa Bear

I now have 6 Santa Bears.

The last two I bought was when I was pregnant with bouncy baby boy in 1997.

I cried.

He's been telling me I need to collect something and I keep saying, "No, I don't want more stuff!"

I love it, more stuff or not, he picked it out all on his own, and knew I didn't have that one.

Turns out, I did buy Miss Bear that year, and now she has her partner.

Sniff, sniff, I need a tissue.

OK, LOOK AT THE PICTURE OVER THERE
<-------

So, I am standing at Jennifer's cube (pretend you know her) and Mike (pretend you know him, too) and I are talking work. Then, Mike looks at me and says, "Are those new glasses?"

Me: "No, I just can't wear my contacts anymore, I've been working too much and my eyes hurt."

Then, Mike says, "You look like a librarian in a porno...

Wait...I mean that in a good way."

Open mouth, insert foot.


Jennifer is STILL laughing.


I'm thinking, maybe, I'm in the wrong field.


Ok, THAT WAS A JOKE!

So I said to myself,

"Self? This box:

Is EXACTLY the same size and packaging as this box:

And if you mix the first one with milk in the wee hours of the morning

instead of the second one, you will seriously regret it.

Amy: "Ok, these 4 boxes have presents in them for you."

Jack: "Oooooooo, I want them!!! Gimme, Gimme!!! (Child jumps up and down...)"

Amy: "You are sick, go lay back down, you'll overexert yourself. Go back to your chair. Go rot your brain on cartoons."

Jack: "Presents!! I want the presents!!"

Amy: "Did you hear about that kid that opened his presents early? Yeah...he went to jail."

Jack: "Presents!! I want presents!!"

Amy: "Knock it off...BACK!!!! (Blocks grabby kid with her boxes) BACK EVIL STEALING CHILD!!!"

Jack: "I NEED PRESENTS!!!!"

Amy: "Good Lord, you are feeling better, you are SO GOING TO SCHOOL tomorrow."

Jack: (Kid does gross snotty snort thing with his nose...)" Your present smells funny...is it going to explode?"

Amy: "Todd said it might not be mine. He's changing all the names once I get them wrapped. It might be YOUR present that stinks."

Jack: "I need to lay down."

Todd (walking in): "It's just the marker I used, here, wrap this, too (handing blank box to me)."

Amy: "What the hell is this? Am I now your personal wrapping slave?"

Todd: "You really want me to answer that?"



Amy: " Santa is SO bringing you coal...His elves leaked it...I SWEAR."

I'm a bad, bad mother...

Actually, I'm a bad, bad employee.

Jack is sick. He has an ear infection and most likely strep. He's on the generic version of zithromax, so he'll be able to go to school tomorrow.

I'm super excited to stay home and play hooky from work. I kept saying all day yesterday that I really needed another day off and now I get one (yes, I did go to work on Saturday with Jack, and yes, he can do my job, he also discovered my mini slinky goes down the stairs at work REALLY WELL). And what does a slinky and people have in common? They both make me giggle when you push them down the stairs.

Poor Jack feels like crapeola, but he'll be better in a few hours and he gets to lay in front of the cartoon network and watch tv all day. Oh, and be waited on, so he's not suffering too much. He also has a couple Wieners keeping him warm.

Yesterday, I volunteered at Rock the Cradle

It was actually pretty fun, the people watching was better than the State Fair. You know those punks back in the 90's that hung out at First Avenue and had wild hair, dreadlocks, wore some of the strangest clothes combinations, were the first to get body piercings, had some personal hygiene issues, and were so not anyone you would like to bring home to mom? (We are not referring to me, so don't go there, Moms loved me, and I showered on a regular basis) Well, they have procreated, and they listen to 89.3. They also haven't changed much. Serious visual entertainment. If I could figure out how to get pictures off of my phone, I'd share.

I'm off to tend sick child. And enjoy playing hooky from work.

Insert maniacal laugh here.

Hee hee hee!!

Muffuletta, or Muffy, or Little Miss Muffet, or Blanca. But...I don't like the name Blanca...I feel like I'm gagging. Ackkk...Jessica says I've been banned from babysitting because I keep calling her Muffy. She's also going to start calling Jack Edward.

I love her, she's so cute.

The wieners are not fans.

But, they tolerate a lot!!

Who's this new bitch in my bed??!!

Oscar keeps trying to hump Ginger now. I
wonder if it's Puppy hormones?

She's my little miss muffet.

I love her.

Why Is There No New Post of Your Awesome New Granddoggy???

Ok, the camera betteries died when I was uploading and I worked 58.5 hours last week.

'nuff said.

I miss Jack.

Overheard Conversations at My House...

Amy: I miss Jack, I hate when his bio-dad takes vacations, I miss him terribly. And, they didn't even GO ANY WHERE. He's just hanging over there watching t.v. I remember when I was little, I'd be gone for a month at a time, I don't know how my mother did it.

Todd: Have you met...YOU?

Amy: Oh...My....God...You are such an ass. That is so mean. I think you are going to burn in Hell for that.

Todd: Good, because all the fun people are there.

Ok, discount nursing home step aside, I hear the Eskimos just leave their old people out for the polar bears. I could find bears if I covered him in honey, couldn't I??

An Open Letter To My Darling Husband...

We met almost 4 years ago. We were married 15 months ago, almost to the day...

I love you more than I ever thought possible.

BUT...

throwing the 2 bags of Santa Bears UP the stairs from the basement DOES NOT count as helping decorate for Christmas.

Get off your butt and decorate the outside of the house.

Thank you, and I love you always,
Amy

Hell's Kitchen...my first restaurant review

Todd and I had heard about this place while listening to the Splendid Table, which is a talk radio show he turns on at 6am on Sunday mornings. Yes, I said 6AM...on SUNDAY! I hear that's grounds for divorce.

But, I digress.

The host had talked about wild rice porridge that was "just fabulous" and they make their own peanut butter and jellies. Apparently, they make all sorts of their own stuff, and since we were heading downtown last Sunday, I figured I would step outside my own little box of a world and eat somewhere new.

The wait was about 45 minutes because we had no reservations (we got there around noon) so we wandered around downtown wasting time until we could devour the "Damn Good Food". It must be true because it said it on the window!

An hour later, give or take, we were seated. The service was ok, nothing great, she couldn't keep our water filled, but that was pretty much my only complaint, and for me that's awesome since I am the magnet for bad service everywhere I go.

Dave had the crabcakes, I had porridge, Jack had a plate size pancake, and Todd had their version of the All-American. We also got the unending bread basket with pb and j. Personally, I loved it so much I bought a jar of peanut butter to bring home.

Dave said the crabcakes were awesome. The porridge was, too. Fattening as all get out, considering it was made with cream, but sooooo yummy.

Jack loved the pancakes, and Todd was the only one not happy. Too much messing with his food. The pancakes are made with stone ground cornmeal. Too odd for him. The sausage was made from bison, which kinda freaked him out. "Tastes weird." He liked the potatoes, but for him, going to the normal greasy dive like "Our Kitchen" on 36th is more his speed.

For me, it was an adventure, but for almost 7 bucks a bowl,
I think I'll just learn to make the porridge at home.

How should we rate? 4 stars being the highest? I would say I give it a 2.5-3. The food was, in my humble opinion, way better than average, but too busy, and too expensive for a regular brunch.

I think I just need to work on perfecting my hashbrowns,
my favorite place to eat is still my own house.

The Annual Hunt

Amy: I think we should go get our tree.

Todd: It's too early.

Amy: No it's not, and since we have no kids this weekend, or next, I think we should also bring the wieners.

Todd: You have Dave, that's close enough.


Dave: (from the other room) I heard that!

So, I got to bring the wieners and we went to go kill our tree the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Since we did downtown last weekend, I'm just figuring I'll be SO SICK of Christmas by the time it gets here, I'll put everything away the week before New Years instead of February.

But, something was just wrong....
Where's the snow? I'ts really bright out here and 45 degrees!
The wieners were having lots of fun exploring new smells, and no, Todd hasn't shaved, yet. Treeeeeeeee!! Treeeeeeeeee!!
It just doesn't really put one into the Christmas spirit when you can hunt in jeans and a t-shirt. We were not being entirely successful tracking the perfect tree, either.

Amy: I like this one.

Todd: It looks just like the ones we killed the last 2 years.

Amy: I'm a creature of habit. Hurry up and kill it, I think I'm getting a sunburn.
Ginger was trying to get in on the action, and Dave caught the annual bootie shot on Todd. I just supervised, because I'm not allowed to use tools.
Todd: I need an orange hat. It's just not hunting without blaze orange.

Amy: Sure, honey, I'll buy you one for next year. Do they sell them at the Gap?

The wieners had a great time, we let them run around the trees and sniff strange animal poop. They want to come next year, too!

Todd finally let us put it on top of the Yukon.
I'm surprised he didn't make Dave drive us there in the Jeep.

It does look an awful lot like last years tree. I think I'll wait to decorate it since Jack isn't home yet and I'm afraid to open the Christmas lights.
On the upside, I am pretty sure Target is fully stocked with lights since Thanksgiving is still 4 days away.

Hard part is done, break out the egg nog!!

Mary Poppins, 8th Floor, Daytons, No Marshall Fields, No Macy's...Whatever...

Starring...
Jack!

Dave!

Amy! (also the narrator)

and Todd!

Ok, so he was with, but this is the only shot you'll get because Jack snuck it when we were cutting through Target Downtown...yes, we are all disappointed he won't shave...

Word of caution...this is a spoiler! If you like to be surprised by the 8th floor, DON'T READ ON!!

And don't email me telling me I wrecked it for you, because A. I warned you, and B. I don't care, you read this at your own risk. If you haven't figured that out by now, you must not know me.

And here is our story...

Scene 1...First, Mr. and Mrs. Banks had Jane. Michael came soon after. But when the new twins arrived, Nanny thought that made two children too many.

Wow, what a touchy old broad. That's not exactly team spirit.

Scene 2..."But Husband, Katie Nanna left us without a word of warning. What am I to do?" said Mrs. Banks. "Advertise in the Morning Paper that we require the best possible Nanny at the lowest possible wage!"I think this was before the father got 6 weeks paid time off when his wife had a baby. Either that, or he's hiding at the office. Probably, the latter.

If I saw my new nanny floating up the stairs, I think I would run screaming from the house, but, that's just me.

Oh, Boy!!

"Don't miss the booty shot on Mary Poppins." says Todd, passing by.

"Did you get a shot of her butt?" asks Jack, REALLY LOUDLY.

I'd like to say geat minds think alike, but, um, not so much.

Scene 8..."Business is bad today Mary. Can't take you to tea, I'm afraid. Unless...I got an idea! Why don't we go into the picture?!"

I'd mention something here about Jerry Garcia and blotter,
but, oh, yeah, I'm trying to keep it clean.

That would be Evil Stepsister in congito from last year...just an FYI.

I think they make beano for that now. Ick.

Um, maybe it was the mushrooms, Alice.

Scene 14...In the park, Mary Poppins pointed up ahead. "Look Michael, something shiny-go pick it up."

"It's a compass," said Mary Poppins. "To go around the world with." And holding the compass in her hadn, Mary Poppins said the word "North!"

"I can't take pictures of these...they aren't turning out!"

"Duh, turn off the flash." says Todd.

"Oh, yeah, right, thanks." Mental head slap.

Scene 18..."Please, tickle me gently behind the ears. That always sends me to sleep," sighed the Panda."

Oscar likes that, too.

"Oh, Michael, I know EXACTLY how you feel."

Use your imagination, this is a "G" rated post.

Wait, this is toward the end and they sell gingerbread near Santa. Do you think this might be a not-so-sublimal marketing scheme?? I think so!

Scene 22..."But how? But why?" wondered Michael. "what I want to know,"replied Jane, "is this: Are the stars gold paper or is the gold paper stars?"
THE END

Then, Jack replies, "I don't get it. Paper stars?" After several attempts, I get an "OOOOHHHHHH!!!
I still don't get it."
Reverting back to effective-toddler-distraction I say,
"How about we go see Santa?"
"Yeaaaaaaaaa!" And, Jack goes off to get in line...

By the way, I still don't get where the stars came in, either.

"I'm too old to sit on Santa's lap."

"But, just in case, I want an iPod Nano and an iDog."

And no one is too old to sit on Santa's lap, see?

"And I want 2 puppies and a new house to put them in."

Well, Todd had already ditched us to get the car and so we decided to take a quick tour to see if the "Cellar" of Dayton's changed much with the new owners of the department store and what would you know, Amy was...

BUSTED!!

"I HAVE to, it's on sale!", she whines.

So, I brought home a new cast iron casserole to top off our Holiday 2006 excursion downtown.
God, I love Christmas.